Some of the things that keep me awake at night.

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  • Why do we need to go to confession? Being a Catholic, it is part of the Church’s teachings that when we commit sin we must go to a priest and ask for his help in our penance. In essence, the priest connects God to me and it only by confessing my sins to the former will the latter grant me reconciliation. I don’t get it though. I mean, why should I spill my deepest, darkest secrets to a stranger? Why can’t I just pray and directly ask God for his forgiveness? Am I so unworthy that I cannot do so? Am I so lowly? If not, then why? What role does the priest play in this situation? More often than not, I withhold some of my darkest sins from confession because I am ashamed to admit it to somebody else. I want to be forgiven, and I can’t help but wonder why praying and asking God directly is not enough.
  • Why does God allow suffering? Yes, I know that for us to see the rainbow we must endure the rain. I know that for us to experience joy we must experience pain. (Hey that rhymes) But what I don’t get is why those who suffer are men, women, children who sins are so small as compared to those men and women who live in sin and go unpunished? Why does God allow the innocent to get hurt? Why does he choose the old, the weary, and the less guilty to bear such terrible experiences? Why does he allow all these and at the same time allow the corrupt to steal from the people, the evil to steal, rape, and murder other human beings? Why can’t those who are evil be the ones to suffer?
  • Why is it that my best is never enough? Why is it that even though I try and I try and I try, I always come up short? Sure, I acknowledge that it might be because it wasn’t actually my best but what if it was. Why is it that the world is never satisfied with who I am? Why does it want to keep on changing me into somebody I’m not? Why can’t others accept me for me?
  • Why am I never content with myself? And here it is, one of the worst questions that plague my mind before I sleep. I hate that I always find myself short of my expectations. I absolutely despise that I allow my own head to play mind games with me. I loathe those days when I cannot help but compare myself with others, find all my faults, and guilt trip me for having them. I hate that I allow myself to do this.

  • Why can’t I smoke and drink alcohol? I feel like all these repressed emotions will only keep on building up until I finally snap, and honestly I don’t want to be around when that happens. I want to smoke and drink away all my problems because a band-aid still better than nothing at all, especially when you’re bleeding.
  • Why is it so easy to fall back into old habits? Honestly, I am terrified that things might go back to the way they were before.

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