The thing about regret is that it’s an all-encompassing feeling. You start regretting something and sooner or later, you begin to regret almost everything. As soon as you begin to question and doubt one of your decisions, your mind just whirls into action and begins to question everything else.
And yes, I am regretting something at the moment. I regret it so much that every time I think about it there’s a bitter aftertaste in my mouth, and to think that when I made that decision a couple of months ago I was practically ecstatic. How fickle, you might think. Well, to be honest, I’m not even certain that my decision warranted that much excitement anyway. I can’t shake off the feeling that maybe my heart wasn’t really into the entire thing to begin with. (Or maybe that’s just me making excuses, I’m not quite sure.) It’s dangerous to invest yourself on something when you hear your own your heart thumping loudly in your chest screaming ‘I have doubts about this!’ and expect your mind, body, and soul to wholly commit. In retrospect, I wonder if it was because I was flattered enough to have been considered for such a high position of authority or that my future boss was talking to me on the phone trying to convince me that I had agreed. I never was that fond of telephone conversations, anyway. I feel like the person on the other end could sense my thoughts and to be frank, I loathe that feeling of vulnerability. So, yes, I’m coming to the hypothesis that it more than possible that my heart wasn’t really into the whole endeavor to begin with.
But that’s just my heart and like any other human being I can control my feelings and school my face into a mask of eager anticipation for what was to come. I forget, however, that are were so many other factors at play. Other factors such as other people. Yes yes, please do remind me to never forget that there are really only few people whom I should trust and to approach the rest with extreme caution. Men are dangerous little beasts. You put your trust in them and they rip it apart before you can say ‘No!’. Honestly, people should have more grace and respect than that.
You work with a team because you expect them to work like a member of that team. You welcome your team because you expect that they wholeheartedly accepted the responsibility. You respect your team because you expect that they would grant you with equal respect in turn, not because you’re their leader and neither is it because they fear you (but it might come close) but because you’re a person. And why shouldn’t you expect such things? That’s just basic etiquette. Or if you want me to be blunt, that’s the social contract that we’ve all signed. Or if you want me to sugarcoat things a bit, it’s just the golden rule: “Don’t do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you.” But god damn it, you let me taste a bit of that respect then you snatch it away like I was not even worthy of it to begin with. That’s not very civilized, is it? Rather, I’d like to say that it’s very unprofessional, childish, and certainly, immature. I honestly believe that if you hold any semblance of respect towards someone, you would also respect their time and efforts because these are extensions of their person.
It takes patience to deal with these sorts but I’m afraid my patience is wearing thin. I admit that there were missteps on my part but I try my best to learn from my oversights and to rectify things. But I don’t see any effort coming from my team. It makes this entire shebang all the more unpleasant. To be honest, whenever I think of the months to come I could only think of one word: dismal. But I really want to make this work, I do. I’ve committed myself to this and though I don’t expect much from my team anymore, I still want to accomplish something. It would be extremely unprofessional if I don’t.
I need a breather. I’m afraid I might not be able to hold back my facial expressions when I meet my team. Oh no, I’m certainly going to give them a piece of my mind. I’m angry. I’m disappointed. I’m hurt. But most of all, I feel so disrespected. You put so much effort into something and you see your teammates exerting so little in return. Simply, it’s so impolite. Ugh! You’d expect people to have more etiquette/manners/respect than this.
I can’t say for certain how I will react in the near future, but I am telling you this– I’m not going to keep bending backwards just to cater to every whim and misstep of my teammates, especially if I see that they don’t deserve my consideration anyway. As I said, we signed a social contract here and I’m not going to keep giving my 100% if you don’t give yours in return. Golden Rule, people!