4/8: A wish fulfilled?

Yes, this is an official statement. And yes, I want to make it official because I think after all that’s happened this deserves more than a simple, “I’m over it. I’m letting it go.”

So, yes. I failed one of my majors.
Yes, as of yesterday evening I’m no longer a BS BAA student.
Yes, I have to shift to a new course.
And yes, I do remember writing about leaving BAA soon.
BUT NO, I was not expecting this and I’m quite lost.

In all honesty, of course I feel bad. I know a part of me has been wishing for this for a long time already. God knows how often and how long I’ve wanted to get out of that course. Unfortunately, it still hurts. There’s still that stabbing sensation deep in my chest when I think about the fact that I will no longer have that additional ‘A’ attached to my course. Right now, I just want to sit down and cry my heart out. A part of me doesn’t want to let go of this yet. How could I? All my friends are there. Sometimes, I wish I should have shifted in the first place just so I could’ve saved myself from all this heartbreak.

This is so bittersweet. There is that terrible sadness because of the things I’ve lost –because of a future I’ve lost. But also, I can’t not recognize that overall sense of relief. It’s like a huge, heavy burden has just been lifted from my shoulders. Only those closest to me know how I truly feel about BAA. I know that deep, deep down this is not for me. It never has been and it never will be. I’ve never been so dispassionate about something in my entire life. I know I’ve said that I already want to stay, that I’m not letting go of this because I haven’t crossed that bridge yet. But in retrospect, I think the only reason I couldn’t let it go was because I couldn’t let go of my friends. Everybody who I’ve been close with is in BAA and I don’t think I can take it if I have to let all of them go. That would be painful, and that is why I would cry.

No, I don’t care about that additional ‘A’. I really don’t. But I do care about the people I love. I want to cry because I know at one point or another, I’ve hurt them. Think about my parents, imagine how they must feel. And when I told my Dad about this and about how I sad and disappointed I felt, I couldn’t help but cry over his reply. It was so accepting, I felt I didn’t deserve half of the love my parents give me.

God damn it. I really want to cry over this. But I know that I shouldn’t, because I wanted this. I wanted freedom from BAA. I wished and prayed to God to lead me to something that will help me become better, that will lead me to something greater. And I guess this is it.

But the thing I fear the most is how I’m going to look people in the eye tomorrow. Will they be judging me? Will they pitying me? I can’t take looks of pity. I just want them to stop sending me all these messages. They have no idea what I’m thinking and feeling. I just want to go through this alone first. Let me have my time alone first. I want to experience this alone first. I know I’m contradicting myself but this is a big change and I want to think about this carefully. I want to be alone with my feelings, first.

God, I just wish I could sleep and when I open my eyes, all this transition would’ve passed.


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