There is a very thin line between being optimistic and being delusional. For the last couple of months (or years) I believe I’ve crossed that line. So let’s be honest here –I have been deluding myself with a lot things.
- You are a terrible friend. I don’t think I’ve ever regretted a friendship more than I do now. You, whether you are aware of it or not (and dear God, I sincerely hope you’re doing this unconsciously), pull other people down just so you could feel better. I’ve noticed it and I’ve tolerated it, but there’s only so much one can take. I don’t want to say this but I do believe that you thrive in situations where you can make others see just how inadequate they are to you –how much more you are compared to them. That’s horrible, you’re horrible. I am seriously considering walking out of your life; is there even a friendship to salvage? Was there even a friendship to begin with?
- The main reason (or maybe the only reason) I vehemently reject the idea of shifting out [of the degree program I’m currently in] is because there’s still so much I want to do/achieve in college. I want to have the opportunity to take an executive position in one of my organizations. I want to volunteer as a Project Head or Council Associate in the student council. I want to explore other avenues for leadership in my other organizations. I want to join competitions –I want to win a competition. I don’t want to leave college with nothing but what-ifs. There is so much more I want to do.
- Quite possibly, I am running from my problems. I am cutting class because I disagree with the way my professor holds his lectures. There is always that palpable tension in the room –I feel like I’ve being measured every single time and if I don’t measure up, then I’m not worth his time. The atmosphere is choking and I want to breathe so I leave. I’m skipping class today because I already know I failed (and I did fail, big time) the exam. I will not take looks of pity from my friends. I will not submit myself to the torture of faking a smile because they are all happy they passed. Hell, I am glad that they did! But I will not go through the pains of smiling because I am not happy. It will do all of us good if we don’t pretend. They don’t need to hold their happiness and relief because they don’t want to offend me, and I don’t need to fake a smile because I don’t want to dampen their spirits.
- Is this worth it? I know what I want for my future. I have a vision but I absolutely have no clue how to get there. And honestly, I think that is the root of everything. I know what I want, I just don’t know how to get there. How do I choose when there are so many possibilities? I don’t want to die a second death. I want to be remembered. I want to do something for the world –I want to help change it for the better. I want to be wealthy enough that I don’t have to worry about how many people I can help, because I can actually help all of them. I want to be powerful enough that I can impart a positive influence to the world. I want to write literature that shakes the hearts of men and makes them think. There is so much I want to do. And I’ve led (or deluded) myself to believe that being a BAA graduate is the fastest way to get there. I submit myself to the failure upon failure because I need this. I need to get there. There are only a handful of people (or maybe just one, my best friend) who knows what it is I really want and quite possibly, she’s only seen the tip of the iceberg.
- I’ve thought about this and I’ve convinced myself that there is no other way. I am already in too deep in this BAA business and I can’t turn back… or can I? My family is not that affluent, we don’t have the kind of money to support my
capricious indecisiveconfused self. I cannot just go up to my father and say, “Hey dad! I just realized last night, BAA is not for me. I want to shift courses again!” Doing so would mean I’ve wasted three years’ worth of tuition and miscellaneous fees for nothing. Or is it nothing? We’ll never know.
- I am amazed at how Thomas Edison did it. How could you take a thousand failures and still find the will to go on? How?